CHAPTER 5

We gathered in Devil's Den State Park for a men's advance (The Way shunned the word "retreat" as defeatist). On the program was a one-hour duo in the woods (they didn't like the word "solo" either, since with God you're never alone). We were to take our Bibles, sit in a quiet place and read, pray or just commune with God for one hour. I found a big rock and sat down in the middle of it.

And suddenly I was completely disgusted with myself.

I had heard stories about believers raising the dead. I had heard of fantastic healings, tremendous miracles, astonishing revelations. I wanted to be in that crowd, with the kind of people wielding that kind of power. And what was holding me back? Nothing but my doubts, my cherished doubts.

I had never brought myself to the place where I could believe in Adam and Eve, in Noah's ark, in the four horsemen of the apocalypse. I was okay with the Gospels, the Epistles and most of the Old Testament, but Genesis and Revelation were just too much to swallow. Doctor always said it's either all God's Word or none of it. Apparently I believed the latter.

Why not believe in Noah's damn ark, I demanded of myself, sitting on my rock with my Bible. Was I so smart that I knew for a fact that Noah couldn't possibly have crammed all those animals into one boat? Why not believe in Adam and Eve? It's not like anyone has ever proved they didn't exist. Why not believe the book of Revelation? It's all future anyway, impossible to prove or disprove. Was it worth clinging to my intellectual objections at the cost of seeing signs, wonders and miracles?

The "I'll believe it when I see it" school had failed me, as Doctor had said it would. You have to believe first, then you see. Was I such a learned historian that I knew for a fact the world couldn't have been created in six days 6,000 years ago? Did I have some kind of crystal ball that told me Jesus Christ was never coming back?

I was sick of being a partial believer, crippled by my doubts, unable to outgrow spiritual infancy because I was too damn smart to believe it all.

I decided I needed to become a lot less smart. I had spent my whole life relying on smarts, and it had gotten me basically nowhere. I had never tried faith. What if I just decided to believe?

I decided, sitting on that rock in that hour alone in the woods, to believe. I was not convinced by the evidence, but that was just the point -- to disregard the evidence and believe for believing's sake. First you believe. Then you see.

I stepped down from that rock convinced that now I would see.

And for the next six years, I handed my life to The Way.

© Karl Kahler 1999